Haiz. Well. Of course I'm still hurt over the past friends now not so friends thing. But my new friends have been holding me up,The Usuals,yeah. Love them so. Of course I still miss my other friends,I miss them so much. But I guess I need to give them space for a while. Anyway...I wrote this.

I thought I was a part of them
I guess...I was a fool
I actually thought that they had accepted me
And that all was cool

HA! How stupid of me
I thought so wrong
I'll always be too different
I can't belong

I long for friends
Who would let me be a part
To share a life
To share a heart

Is that so foolish?
I ask the sky
But I guess I'll never belong anywhere
Will I?

Maybe my new friends
Are what I've been looking for?
Maybe,after all
God has opened a door?

Will they see my flaws
And still accept me?
Well...I guess
We'll see...

† ~ Séph ~ †

There...I guess we'll see how long I last with The Usuals before I become I great fool in their eyes. My other friends once told me that they loved me. HA! Loved? Me? I believed them...One of them especially...ha ha ha ha. I guess I expected too much. FOOL. Don't tell me things like that...unless...unless you meant it...Like some of you right now...you tell me that you'll always be there. That whatever I'm going through,you'll be there when I need you. Take it back if you don't mean it. Or I'll come crashing into your back...not your arms...I tend to hold you to your word. And that's not good...if you can't keep it...

OKAY! Finally...day 4. Hope I can remember.

Day 4

After Praise and Worship,followed Jack to his bunk. And there we waited for:Sheryl,Celeste,Cheryl,Wen Hui,and Cryystal. Yeah,then we like,talked. And talked. Then we decided to get scooters. SCOOTERS! And our theme song went like this:"SCOOTER GANG GANG GANG,SCOOTER GANG" repeat over and over. Cheryl made up the song I think,she was like,so high. And we did that for like,very,very long. Then...we stopped at someone's bunk. Back at Jack's,Marlon's,Joshua's,Jon's,and Samuel's. Then we slacked somemore. And Scooted somemore. Then somewhere along the way,we got squirted by water guns. Then like,alot of things happened. Then like,at 6:30am,the only people around - Marlon & Jon - went to sleep. So I went to my bunk to pack my things. Then at like,7am,I passed the girls' bunk and saw Celeste,then she told me that she had nothing to do coz Wen Hui "Pang sei"-ed her. So we walked and talked. When we were reaching the ballroom Shirmaine asked us if we were sleepy and wanted to go and sleep in the ballroom. So Celeste was like,okay. So we went in and after some persuasion from Shirmaine,Celeste fell asleep. Oh yeah,Preston,Jerald,Laura,Sherrie,and one other gal(forgot who) were also sound asleep in the room.  Then for like one hour,I was doing nothing,I was indeed sleepy,so during the hour I closed my eyes for...2 seconds. Then I was fine! I'm SERIOUS! I was not sleepy at all! So at around 8pm,Celeste was up,then I went with her to her bunk,then talked a while with the others who woke up,then went back to my bunk and got my stuff and went back there and went back to the ballroom to put our stuff. Oh,yeah,it was raining. Ha ha. And then we went back to take the ferry,and then the bus. Then we were back at Suntec. *Sigh* Camp sure went by fast...but accuaintances became friends in this camp. And I'm really glad that God had not left me alone after what had happened with my other friends...

Day 3

I woke up late! I chose to actually,knowing I wouldn't sleep till I got home. I had breakfast with,Gerard and other people I'm too lazy to name. Then we had service. The first and only service in camp with preaching. Ha ha. During praise and worship Pastor annointed the coaches and leaders with oil. And then the coaches and leaders annointed US with the same oil. Cool huh? And then Pastor asked all those who had the desire in their heart to be leaders to step up and be prayed for. I did of course. And I got prayed for by both Coach Jayden and then Coach Mel. Hmm...no coincidence. For they both know me abit more personally than the other coaches. And Coach Jayden said something that really hit home,but I don't want to say,it's a personal thing,but something he COULD NOT COULD NOT have known. I know for sure it was the spirit telling me that thing. Anyway,after preaching. We had the song "the blessing",and pastor asked us to go and tell the people who have been a blessing to us that they have. So I went around and shook the hands of the people who changed my life. And I missed out Melanie...I'm so sorry! Really! I didn't intend to!

Oh,oh,during lunchtime,I walked with Jack Koh over to his bunk to find Jon Wong and Marlon digging. We enquired,and found out that there were kittens trapped in a hole. Yeah. And there was a dog like,one foot away. And ready to pounce. When we opened the hole big enough,the dog grabbed a kitten and ran with it with the guts spilling all over...eew...The dog brought it a few feet away,then left it there. Stupid thing. So we chased it away with the help of some uncle. And we brought the cats to the security(and somehow everyone got news of it in the process...). Then we had this really really really fun water game. Where each Platoon had "bases" and we had to "attack" our opponent's base. Defend our own and so on. We were given water guns and water bombs. Yeah. Then once the game started,we were under attack by Bravo's first wave of assains,they came by stealth. Then someone saw them(was it me? can't remember.). So I was sent to intercept. So I hid behind the wall,and peeked over the edge...I saw a few of them. They saw me,but we all know we couldn't hit each other. Then suddenly Nigell's face popped up in front of me,and he was as shocked as I was,we both shouted..."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He was aparently behind the wall I was. Ha ha. He sounded a retreat and while he was running,I nailed him with a water bomb. It was a nice shot. ha ha. Anyway,the game went on. And we had lotsa fun. And at the end,we did the same thing as we did at d2p. We had to protect the MMs from getting wet. Which is not as easy as it sounds,coz the coaches were BRUTAL! I tell you...Coach Jayden can make people fly. But it was fun anyway. And after we got washed,we went for dinner,which included barbercue. YAY! And I sat with,Jack Koh,Joshua Lim,Wenhui,Sheryl,Cheryl,Celeste,Marlon,Jon Wong. Yeah. Oh,and Samuel.yeah. Then we went for this campfire thing where we found out how many freaks dwelled within DARE. HA HA. Oh then we had EPIC PRAISE AND WORSHIP! WHOO! Then then then. I'll write the rest some other time,coz technically...it was part of day 4.

OKay okay...no procrestination. Start Day 2...*Thinks hard*

Day 2

Woke up early and went over to the other side of block 4 where there's this place overseeing the water. So I sat there and wrote. Then I went for breakfast...but didn't really eat anything. About the same as Day 1,I stood with the fishes and talked to some people. The day was better as I did get to meet new people..And Gerard asked me to go to his bunk snd I witnessed the waking of Percy Chan,go figure...Then,we had. PRAISE AND WORSHIP! WHOO! I was serving. YAY! Nearing the end,we sang the "When I did nothing at all" then alot of us were tearing I think. I dunno. But I was,then everybody was making a hug-link,and though I was serving,Joshua Koh was so sweet,he was like,"Somebody hug Joasseph eh". So sweet right? Ha ha

Then after that,we had lunch,I sat with Gerard,Percy,Martin,Aloysious(Hope I spelt it right) our games,which involved. Throwing yourself off a bench into the arms of your friends,playing lagoon-polo captain's ball style,and rolling yourself in...Soya souce,chinchou,tofu,and other food stuff. FUN!

After that...I had a GOOD shower and went for dinner. And after that had a GREAT GREAT service. Where Pastor shared about Wayne and I learned something there and then on commiting my will to GOD. Because...in the situation I'm in,I DEFINATELY can't do without HIM.

Well. I know something now. I guess it cost me good friends. Worth it? I THINK NOT! How could I be so blind? But I guess now it's all up to GOD *Thunder and lightning*. Anyway...I guess it's a consolation that I learned something from all the heartache. That I don't have to be so important when I'm not :). And I just wanna say this right now. Wheather they read it or not. To Victoria,Melanie,Ariel,Arielle...I'm sorry...

No time to talk about day 2. Tomorrow then...

Day 1

The night before...I talked to Vic,we called each other. Back and forth really. Anyway,I wanted to meet for breakfast. So we decided that we'll meet at 8,since we'd both be there at around the same time. So on the day itself. I got off the train and saw Jack,Joshua Lim,Cheryl,WenHui was there I think,and Small Jon and Daryl Chua(Not Darryl Chua k,different one,this one's much taller). So I stopped and asked who they were waiting for. "Celeste and Sheryl" they said. So I waited with them and they started moving off and ended resting at 7/11. And they bought their breakfast...from...7/11. -.-

Anyway...I didn't eat anything,but I sat there with them anyway. Shortly after Celeste and Sheryl got there...Loud noises coming from the stairway. Then I saw...Miss Tan. Lol,okay okay...Victoria la. Not funny...anyway. She came down with Gerard,Preston,Mel,Dean...er...can't remember who else. They came down to buy bottles of water,not just any bottles but big bottles of water...yes,water. 2 atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen - AKA - H2O...Yippie! ANYWAY! Then then to cut everything short,we went back to suntec together. WIth Joshua Lim being the big hero carrying 2 bags...and struggling all the way. Hero...Riight. Once we got there,we got separated into our bus numbers,sections and so on...da da dee da da. Oh I didn't mention that I was especially nervous about seeing a certain someone...and well...She kinda ignored me the whole time. So yeah...Feel ultra guilty.

Upon arriving at ubin and putting down our stuff at the ballroom. We straightaway had Praise and Worship! YAY! I didn't need to do the lyrics. So I was one of the crowd for once in a very,very,very long time. Oh yeah. New song,"where eagles dare". It's so nice! I knew all the words coz Daniel gave me the lyrics wayy before hand. Yay! But it's a really nice song written just for DARE! WHOO!

After P&W,we went to change and have lunch. Here's where my downside of camp started...you see...I wanted to have lunch with a certain group of friends,Victoria,Arielle,Ariel,Melanie,Shimei and so on... but I'm not on very good terms with a couple of them...And so I was afraid to sit with them coz I was not sure I was welcome anymore. So I ate with the really big fishes. Literally big fishes. I was just watching them from behind the fence thing. Fishes don't give good company...nuh-uh. I would much prefer sitting with my friends. But I had FEAR. HORRIBLE FEAR. But anyway,after lunch we went back into the ballroom to get ready to go into the forest for our first challenge of the camp,I was in PLATOON CHARLIE - SECTION CAELAN. OH YEAH. I was the official flag carrier...ha ha. People I stuck to in my section: Daryl,Nicola,Melanie and believe it or not,Issac Kang. Anyway,so we spent the day,looking for paper plates with the DARE sticker on them. THen we had to stand there and take a picture to prove that we'd been there. Oh yeah,at one of the "checkpoints" I saw a mosquito on Mel's face,out of inpulse,I ALMOST ALMOST smacked it. But I didn't,instead I told her about it and let her smack it herself and Issac was being stupid saying that it was an Ades mosquito or something like that. Spastic. At the end of our "adventure" we stopped at a sort-of-beach and had our field cooking...Nicola was being such a jie jie...ha ha. After dinner,we had an ultra fun walk all the way back to the Chalet. I wasn't sarcastic when I said fun,coz I actually enjoyed it. But it was a very very very long walk....But halfway I was seriously thinking about the my friends and what I did wrong....I really love them alot. Namely Ariel,Melanie,Arielle,and Victoria. I really love them alot...but sometimes I take them for granted. But I really do miss their company...Melanie was there with me but...I dunno...something was wrong,it's like...she wasn't my sister anymore. Like...no more click...Anyway...I'll write about day 2 tomorrow.

Hey...Many things have happened and I have changed yet again. I am heartbroken,I am apalled,I am dissapointed,I have learned... I will not grovel and beg to someone who will not forgive me. I will just ask the Lord,and he will tell me where I need to change. I learned that from Wayne(hope I spelt his name correctly),coz Pastor was saying that Wayne told Jesus this:"Make Wayne a good boy today,and if there is something wrong with Wayne,tell Wayne okay?". Ultimate humility...Which is something I really need to learn because of my pride. I hate my pride...it has cost me a really really dear friend,maybe 2. And I would really like to have her back as a friend. But the only way is if I become humble again. So,yeah...I really need to learn...Anyway,I promised to talk about camp,so here ya go,but before that,here's something I wrote about my "lost" friend. This was when I was angry and well...you'll see...But hey,it doesn't mean I'm right...it's just what I felt:

Forgiveness
For each time you broke my heart
I forgave you
Now when I've made a mistake
Why can't you too?

You flash your anger
When I only show you kindness
How hard is it to give someone you love
Your precious forgiveness?

You once said you loved me
Maybe you did lie
Maybe you told me that
Just so I wouldn't cry

Maybe you did love me
Perhaps you ceased
When I couldn't make you happy
Or make you pleased

But my heart is broken again
Should I forgive you once more?
After you let me beg
And grovel on the floor?

You turned your face away
When you didn't need me
So this is what friends do
When facing calamity?

Why did you claim to be by my side
When you're the first to shun me away
Why did you tell me
That with me you'd stay

I just don't understand
What did I do so wrong
That a friend can't forgive
And let life move along?

You said to remember you here
You said not to cry
But now that place is empty
And you leave me here alone...

why?...

 † ~ Seph ~ †

I'll keep it simple. I have found new life in my life...but some other part is dying. It's all part of the prophecy. A small part,at least. Wanna see? Here.

The powerful mind works in many ways
But the place if it's dwelling is unknown to man
Yet in a man it dwells
Forever unreachable by hand

From the moment God gave this gift
This man had friends yet he had none
Misunderstood my all
Except one

But that one person does not know
That she understands his power beyond measure
So she goes around freely
Living life with ample pleasure

Little does she know
That she too has power
Equal to his
That make people cower

One day I will show her
That her power is the same as mine
Then the veil will lift
And reveal what is hidden all this time

Okay...now let me tell you which part I hate. The 5th and 6th lines. Because,it never ends. I have friends. They drift. I find new ones. They drift. I always find myself alone...find myself with people disliking me,hating me. Maybe a handful who might love me a little,but not like me later. And then I'll never see these people again,and I'll find new friends,my current ones. And I don't want the pattern to repeat. I can't let it happen...it is beginning. I won't let it finish. So I have to give up my pride to do what is needed. My friends...I'm losing them. There still there physically,but they don't talk to me anymore...If I don't say anything to them...they won't ever talk to me. This really sucks...So am I depressed? HELL YEAH...

Yesterday...was quite an eventful day...I guess...Maybe not. Well,we'll see. I got up at about 6am so I could go for 1st service. uh huh. I reached suntec at like,7:45...So I got a chop(or mark),so I could come back in later. Anyway,so I called Vic and sit with her,Wanru...and Gillian I think,at Macs. Soon after,one of their friends came in(dunno her name),and Mel came in not long after. Then,Mel said something about having seats and that Arielle will be sitting with her. Then. VIc went mad. Just kidding,she just wanted to sit with them of course. And Ariel? Vic thought that she was gonna sit with her parents. Me? I had Video training. Bah! It was quite good though. Anyway. About that,it was quite messy and I realize that when I'm manning Cam 1,I'd have to focus real bad! But it's gonna be cool! Oh yeah,during service...the video director for the service,Ji Ling or something like that,asked Cam 5 to look for Ariel. Like,cool! So Cam 5 was like,roaming around the audience and finally found Ariel's parents...But she wasn't with them. So I guess she was with Vic,though I didn't say nothing to the Video people. Then during Altar call,I heard my name being called(and at first I thought it was coming from the headset I was wearing),then I looked over my shoulder to find Ariel waving at me with Vic smiling from behind her(Oh I love having friends).

After service...I was alone. Sobs. Oh wells...used to it. Normally I would go and play Dota with the guys,but I remember that Mel didn't like me playing...so I didn't. But I had nothing to do! So for 2 hours I was at tower records,Rock bookshop,and all over suntec and marina and millienia. Anyhow,then I met my mom. And we did usual groceries and went home.

At about 7:30pm,I called Arielle...and talked and she played the song I wrote for her,but she came up with the tune. But the thing is...I cried...Teared actually,but still...Then I had to have dinner,so I said bye and put down the phone.

Then after Dinner...I called her again,because of...something...Then we talked until,her friend called...

Many times I ask myself...I have all these gifts...and yet,why can't I help anyone feel better? All the time...I feel sadness from those I love,and yet,I don't know how to help them...Why? Why can't everything just be okay? I had a vision just now...of someone...and it almost made me cry. Why?...