Hmmm. I have a theory on evolution actually.
And how it affects us individually...
The same way one type of animal has different species with different abilities.
They can all be from the same family.
But there are cats
And there are lions.

Dark:
I realized how dead I can be...
How detached
Close to evil,even
I realize how I truly hate it when I am judged
Based on an opinion that is incomplete
I hate it when I happen to love the person or people who do such things
And you can imagine the effort it takes
To decide not to care
To decide that it does not matter any more
What they think of me
The way they look at me
I am different
And I am seen as immature
As a queer person

It does not matter...

"For in its very strength,lies its weakness.
A mere candle is enough to hold it back
Love is more than a candle
Love can ignite the stars"

It does not matter,not because I want to ignore it
No.
It does not matter,simply because it is not worth fretting about.
Such people
And there are many...
They are not the ones who I want as my comrades
And even if they are,they are not,yet
People change
And I as well...
Perhaps time will tell
But this time...
I'm really not going to be bothered.


Light
I suppose I am happier
If I think about it....
It is better to be...
Nonchalant about things?
I mean,I will have my own drive and direction.
But I should let the wind guide me,so to speak.
If one way is blocked
Or a door is shut
I need to keep moving
People come and people go
"Life's like that"
Oh people...
You have so much to learn about me...
If one asks what my ability was
I'll merely say...
"Control"
Because that's what it's all about...

Yes silly,I may get hurt easily
But this is also true:
You can only get hurt when you allow yourself to be.
I've been docile for long enough.

Time to be in control.

I still love them.
Bother bother.
Hmmm..."Bother"
"Those who are bothered do not matter
And those who matter are not bothered".
Thank you. :)
Even though I wish the above was true all the time.
If my love is true,it'll show in some way.

Anyway,from now on,most of my posts would have a light and heavy section. Or light and dark.
Well,not all,but most. Not for this one though.
Why?
Because I really need to be more optimistic and light-hearted. :p

There. That's roughly it. A not so depressing theme. With a not so depressing song. :)

Anyway. I read my post on "The Dark" (May 2007)
And I guess.
There is still hope. No matter what.
I mean,some people say they'd accept me no matter who I become.
But I guess I shouldn't make it hard for them right?
I don't want to make them break that word

So okay..
I'm gonna try to change.
No more being alone
And yet,no more relying on others
I'm going to become someone who really doesn't need friends,but doesn't mind having some.
Basically,not to care about that part too much.
People come and they go,I know.
So I should just enjoy whatever friendship I have while I can
Right?
No point going so deep and all,they can learn all about me when they really want to in time.
And I,them,but I'm going to quit the habit of wanting to know so much
Wanting to care.
Care would be sought when care is needed.
I think.
Whatever.

Some of you may not know what difference it'll be.
But this time,I'm not going to push.
Nor complain.
If something happens,well,it's a part of life,and I'll only tell you if you really want to know.
I really should stop complaining to people.
It's bad for them.

So yeah,I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a "new me".
But I'm gonna try to separate my lives
To keep it from affecting how I am with other people.

Oh,and about maturity.
I'm not going to pretend to be mature
And I never had.
But I do think that NONE of us has a right to judge that.
We are more mature in some areas
Less in others.
We're all human,and we're all imperfect.

Heck,sometimes,past experiences influence someone to be insecure about a specific area.
So do understand. Let's not judge people.


And I won't stop thinking,it's a part of me.
So if anytime,you want a deeper conversation,I would be more than happy to oblige

Oh yeah. Something to make some smile. :)


Lol,poor cat though.

Wait. That means I have to change blogskin/wallpaper? T_T

I've picked number one.
For the simple reason that...well.
I've had this blog for years!
My whole Journey is here.
I see how I change and grow.
And how some things never change.
Some things define me.
Some things haunt me.
Some things create the flaws I have today.
And.
If you ever want to know.
Merely...read.






I'll try to create an Archive thingy

In a desperate measure to be a happier person,I'm going to....
1. Change blogskin. And blogstyle.
2. Have 2 blogs. One Light and one Heavy. Or Light and Dark,whichever you prefer.

I'm seriously considering number 2.
We'll see...

A new approach I shall take.
Speak no more,I shall.
But merely ponder,and ponder.
My own decisions I will make
My own path,I will follow.
For what are "friends",but to come and go
To desert and leave.
To you,dear reader,angry I may seem.

But judge not a man based on his appearance.

For neither angry nor hateful am I.
Merely resigned,and wary.

For little point,there is,for any one person to try to understand.
Unless,willing to go all the way you are...
To understand,and to care...
For indeed,realized I did.
Accept no less,I will.

Demanding I may seem,but tired I am.
Decode this,one may attempt.
But to truly care?
A friend,there may not exist,to meet this "tall" order.

Foolish,Self-Pity,some may even claim.
And I neither agree nor deny,for entitled to their opinion,they are.
Should they want to know,or accuse me of such.
I shall merely ask.
"Do you even know me?"
"Do you even bother to understand?"
"And...even if you do. Would you stay a friend? Despite my flaws?"
If any of the answers are "No",no point there is,for me to converse with that person.
After all,of me,that person would began to feel weary.
For perfect,I am not.
Through our flaws,our true friends in making we see.
For stick with us,they do.

Perhaps then. I am too flawed. For my flaws are too great to accept.
For it is never me,who fails to accept a person.
The other way round it is. And always has been.
Comes true,the prophecy does. Till this day.

I think I should really keep to myself more often
In fact...all the time





But I suppose,they knew not,how to react

My mother complains that I don't sleep early enough.
How can I tell her...
That I just can't?

It is much easier to escape,than to face.
To run,than to confront.
That is why I appreciate the latter.
And the latter is harder to do.

Oh the irony.
It all comes back to the prophecy my Mother made of me
See,even my name is shared by no one.
Maybe except my sister.

My name has no history.
I am the first.
No,my surname is not my father's.
Nor my mother's.
It is mine,all mine.
And alone,I stand.

People wonder why..
People think I'm nice
When they ask why I haven't many friends.
I smile and say
"I'm sure you'll see"

And I'm sure they do now.

But do they know me?
Can they assume?
They see what other people see.
And judge me because of it.

Typical.

But the ones who manage to make it as friends.
Look deeper.
Much much deeper.
They know my flaws.
And most importantly.
They know why.

And you don't even need to know me for long.

How foolish of me.
My place will find me someday.
But for now,as my mother predicted.
My destiny lies in solitude.
I hate it...I truly do.

But I will not change to become who I am not.
If I am not accepted
So be it.
It is who I am.
Like a friend once said.
"Those who are bothered do not matter
And those who matter,are not bothered".

So what if I walk into the room,and the pressure subtly changes?
So what,right?
I'm like someone who isn't human.
Am I?
When people look at me.
Do they feel threatened?
Pity?
What is it...
What is it?
What is it that makes me not want to walk into a room?

"Catalyst".
People wonder why I say so.
Now they know.
Things happen around everyone.
But when things happen around me...
Ha.

Some tell me not to care.
Or maybe to try to... Think less?

Me.
Think less.

??????????????

I cannot even process that.

I can try not to care.
But.
I find it difficult.
People,after all,have feelings.
People,after all,don't deserve this.
But.
I've lost faith in people.
Be I hated,loved,feared.
I won't say that I do not care.
Because it does affect me.
But I will say.

It won't falter me.





On a MUCH lighter note. I'm surprised that someone noticed that my eyes change colour!
I find that most impressive.
But it also means that I'm getting careless.
(Or that she has a powerful mind)
But she doesn't even know me that well.
Heck,she hasn't even seen me as often as most.

I really need be careful.






PS:In here,is where I do my thinking. Don't assume it's about person A,or person B. Take it impartially.
If I have a problem with you. I'd probably tell you.

PLEASE don't be stupid
I'm not saying you are,but just don't be!

And by "You",I mean everyone who fits the above description.
Because,surprisingly,that covers a lot of people!(So don't take it personally,whoever you are)

Assumptions assumptions.




Be brave and show yourself next time. I don't bite. >:)