Many times I ask myself...I have all these gifts...and yet,why can't I help anyone feel better? All the time...I feel sadness from those I love,and yet,I don't know how to help them...Why? Why can't everything just be okay? I had a vision just now...of someone...and it almost made me cry. Why?...

Arrgh...I don't like exams! I don't like weird surprises either! It's like,I have a list of people I think that I might possibly like one day. But the person I like now isn't on that mental "list"...Anyway,here's another poem,not as hand-crafted as the others I guess...this one is more raw...:

ECHO

I long to see you again
I need to hear your voice
No one can replace you
Though we sure didn't meet by choice

I try to imagine
Your unfathomable presence
For life is near-meaningless
When without your essence

Only you,my dear
Stop to think of me
At least...
As far as I could see

I still cling on
To your voice in my head
But it's only an echo
I'm hearing instead

Haiz...I've decided that I'll still write my poems here...I guess I'll put one a day,coz I have written alot! Ha ha...anyway,I wrote this when I was frustrated with my dear busy sister,who used to be closer...

Why?
Do you not reply me
When to you I call?
Is there a reason
I don't feel your love at all?

You start to ignore me
And speak when you wish
I don't mean much to you
I'm a worthless fish

Yet you diss yourself
When I still love you
I try to show it
But I'm pushed too

I want to help you,sister
To be part of your life
You're part of mine
So why the strife?

Yet...
You stay in your little cove
Numb to my feelings
And my reached-out love

Do you still love me?
You've stopped telling me so
Do you still think of me?
I'd really like to know

Where has my sister gone?
The one I stood by?
You just dissapeared
Without telling me why

You left me
Standing in the rain
"She'll be back",I thought
But I still felt the pain

I know,dear sister
You mean no harm to me
I don't mean to be angry
But you still need see

In the rain I stand
Not knowing what I'm saying
I only know
That I'm still waiting...

For you...

† ~ Seph ~ †

Whee...Nowadays I'm lazy to blog...coz I muz think of what I want to write about! Grr,so mafan...then again...I write in my Journal...so I guess it's the same. Well...anyway...I think I should update after every Dare service,yeah...Sooo...let's begin...*Ahem*

COMBINED SERVICE - DARE & CAMPUS

I didn't have to serve...so I hung out with Beverly and Justin(her younger brother),went to the arcade,I didn't play though. Just watched...and then we went in and got seats,and 3 more for Melanie,Ariel and Arielle. Asher was sitting right in front of me...so cool,ha ha. Anyway,service ws starting,and Mel still wasn't here,then she called...and asked me where I was,but other than that,I didn't hear what she said...ha ha. But I kinda got the gyst that they couldn't make it to the seats I got... So,yeah,we gave up the seats.

Pastor Chin was preaching,and he kinda hit the mark...he told it like it is,ha ha. He didn't refrain from using the correct terms...umm...GO figure...ha ha.

Anyway,after that,we went for dinner...yeah. I went with Zoefied,my sort of junior DG...Yeah...Actually...the day felt so really short. Also because I'm not supposed to talk about something that I would really like to...But I made a promise,so I shall not break it...

Hey people...sorry I haven't been blogging...I've been very busy writing poems...And no I don't really post them up here anymore...I give them away. :) Just ask me if you want one...I'll write a really sweet somthing for you! Ha ha! Okay...I'll just "Summerise" on what has happened in my life after my last post. I learned that I should be more discrete...I was too bold in some things I did. I also realized that I still like...*ahem*...I won't say. But friends should know...I thought I stopped...But I guess not...obviously...Anyway...I came back from Dare 2 Play with red eyes,nose,and face! It looked like I was blushing...if I can that is. I'm not burnt anymore,but I'm still dark...er. Yeahz...Hmm...Know what...3 people keep popping up in my head...Nikki,coz I haven't heard from her in such a while,Amelia,coz I don't see her anymore,and Beverly...simply beacuse I love her...lol. DON'T THINK FUNNY,people...Don't you know me by now? I don't mind saying things that are true...Don't you love your friends too? ANYWAY...I said all that because CERTAIN individuals get the wrong idea,but that's also because they're not close to me,so they don't know how emotional I can get.  Feel like posting another Ayu song...Shall I post it in English or Romanji? Or both? Hmm...Both la,so you can learn a bit of jap too...lol.

Rainy Day - Ayumi Hamasaki(Romanji)

Wasure taku nai koto nara
Oboeyou to shinaku temo
Wasureru koto nante nai
Sou shizuka ni kanjiru

Are wa aru samui hi de
Tsuyoi ame no naka
Boku wa tada kimi dake o
Machi tsuzukete ita

Moshi ima ga boku no owari
Datta to shitara sore demo
Kamawanai to omoeru hodo
Nani mo kowaku nakatta

Shiawase ni warai au
Hitobito ga boku no
Sugu soba o nando demo
Toori nuketa kedo

Hitori kiri kasa mo naku
Tachi tsukusu boku wa
Dare yori mo odayaka ni
Hohoende ita

Kogoeru te o kazashite
Arawareta kimi o mite
Nakidashi sou ni natta no wa
Kanashimi no sei ja nai

Rainy Day - Ayumi Hamasaki(English)

Your gaze is so very tender as you stare at me
Over there, on that little flimsy chair.
With a gentle, happy face,
She agreed, smiling

While some kind of loud noise was building,
In my mind, it was as though it was collapsing
Unable to move, I just kept standing there

"Why isn't it me?" I asked, but
It's not some kind of foolish example.
You were there as I had never seen you before.
As I can only, only feel from far away,
How on earth can I express this emotion?

From time to time, the sorrow in your eyes
Would show me the reason, so...

That which can be given to you --
I can't give it; no one can.
Is it only that one person who is so understanding that can?

When do you first miss her?
About that time, I realized the truth.
I saw through the lies, and even if I pretend they are truth
It's just, just so excessively empty.
This feeling.... Is this known as "love"?

"Why isn't it me?" I asked, but
It's not some kind of foolish example.
You were there as I had never seen you before.
Did you feel it from far away?

When do you first miss her?
About that time, I realized the truth.
I saw through the lies, and even if I pretend they are truth
It's just, just so excessively empty.
This feeling is certainly known as "love", isn't it?

WHY MUST THERE BE SUCH ISSUES IN MY LIFE?! WHY?! IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!

First of all:there's the thing with the one named Amelia ,(that dumb rule doesn't apply anymore...if you dunno what I mean,nevermind),why do I have to like her in the first place?! It seems to create alot of coldness between us...unless I'm imagining it...I mean,I don't regret telling her,but...I hate the feeling of "unsureness" when I'm with her,it's like,I wanna talk but I can't seem to speak because I'm afraid of what I might say...I don't want her to like see me as another one of those guys who see girls as things...I want her to know that I tresure her alot,and I love her as a friend...And that I'm not just talking to her because I like her...and so many more things I wanna say,but can't seem to. It's like,I "gather" all this courage to wanna ask her or tell her something,and lose all of it in a second once I see her. Such a coward,I know,but I can't help it!!!!!! Even that day when I passed her the note (which I'm not even sure she read),I rushed outside in the last minute,propelled by...I don't know what,and then,right after I passed her the thing,reality set in,and I sort of ran away again. WHY AM I ALWAYS RUNNING?! I don't want to be a coward! It's the first time I've felt so strongly about someone and I don't know what to do...and I cannot really seem to contact her. It's like,you don't call her...she calls you,like some mafia boss or something(Sorry Amelia,in case you read this,but it's kinda true innit? :p ) ha ha. I'm actually hoping she reads this...So she'll know what I struggle to tell her...But I'm not counting on it,praying though...

Second thing: Nikki...I'm still not over her leaving,I think of her everyday,why? Maybe because I'm dwelling on all the "could have"s and "should have"s...And it seems almost like a dream that you never want to be real,but is. I know I'm being selfish here,but I WISH SHE WOULD COME BACK AND STAY,FOREVER! It's all my fault for not spending time with her when I could,and now I almost hate myself for waiting so long to try...I just can't do this anymore...It's quite hard to move on,and I'm not sure I want to...I just want to hold on to my memories forever...

Anyway,for your information and maybe amusement...I'm gonna tell you about Saturday...hmm...maybe tomorrow okay. I'm still not really feeling well...

Anyway...lets continue about D.A.R.E. So after I saw her,I tried to act normal,but failed,so I looked away. And only talked when I had recovered from the "shock". Yeah,so stuff happened...(I'm actually pulling stuff outta my Journal to put here,so there is more detail in my journal of course),oh yeah,Victoria,Melanie and Arielle came up front just to say hi,ha ha,cool...It's like a fanclub,ha ha...Then D.A.R.E. started,Asher was close to making the stage collapse,I wasn't really doing anything,coz I already set up everything myself,so I had Amelia doing the lyrics,hee hee,and in case you were wondering,yes,we talked...After Praise and Worship,we split into our Daregroups which were our Campgroups last year. We did some sharing about this year,which is the year of dreams fulfilled,and stuff like that. So after that,we went back in,had 2 more songs,had a cheer :

Heyyyyy
Hey Jesus
(Ooh,Ahh)
I wanna knowwwwwww
That you saved my soul
2,3,4,5,6,7,8

and so on.
Then we were dismissed. Packed up the coms,had debriefing. Then went to meet Victoria and the others for lunch,Amelia came along,but for like,5 mins,then she had to leave...ANd then I discussed some stuff with my "fanclub" and went home...