This is how it feels to be Joasseph
The first dawn of light brings pain into your universe
The light burns you. It will always burn you
You can hear yourself breathing. It comes hard,and harsh
And it opens fresh wounds and old ones. But you cannot stop it
You can never stop it. You cannot even slow it down
It means nothing anyway
"Seph? What's wrong? You okay?"
And you're not
Not in the way you once was
The words like a whisper from a half-forgotten dream
"Nothing. I'm fine." You try to say
But another voice speaks for you
Bringing your meaningless words into pitiful existance
Then she...they stop talking to you. It hurts more than the light
More than the breathing
More than anything
You loved her,you loved them. You always will. Always
You would never drive her away
But you remember
You remember all of it
When you could have been best friends
When you could have thought about her
You thought about yourself
It is in this blazing moment that you finally understand
The trap of the Dark Side
Because yourself is all you'll ever have
And you rage and scream and seek to destroy the shadow that destroyed you
And in your world-destroying fury,you break only yourself
And in the end
In the end you still cannot touch the shadow
In the end you don't even want to
Because the shadow is all you have left
Because the shadow understands you
The shadow forgives you,and takes you
And deep within your furnace heart
You burn within your own flame
This is how it feels to be Joasseph
For now

WHAT'S THAT SOUND? IT'S SO LOUD! I'M HEADED FOR A BREAKDOWN.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm fine really
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
YOU THINK?! *burst out laughing*
I'm gonna let go
I can't freaking think about this anymore
Exams are coming
I need a level head
Not this maniac
I need to be happy,secure
Not this sadistic person wanting to hurt people
Mess with people's heads
All I really really want
Is to be loved
To be able to trust again
To see a promise to me be kept
To finally be free
To finally live and not
To finally just be

Hahahahahahahahahahaha....................

Hahahahahahahahahahaha
It will do all of you well to heed this warning,for I am no longer who I was
If you:
Stand before me,I will cut you down
Don't appreciate me,I will hurt you
Use me,I will turn on you
Betray me,you'd better watch your step

Break the chains that bind my anger,I will destroy you

With no mercy
With no doubt
With no regret
I will do what needs to be done

But.

If you love me,I might love you
If I love you,I might promise you
If I promise you,I'll never turn on you
If I never turn on you,I'll never hurt you(on purpose)
If you hurt me,I'll only call out after you
If you do not turn back,I shall only wait in torment
It is my destiny

Never to hate...................

Betrayal,lonliness
Love,is all I feel
My vision,blurred
Before my blood I kneel

I burn inside
With both hatred and desire
My soul bears immense pain
Enduring hellfire

I have naught strength
To loose my strangled cry
In longing for that fobidden kiss
By which I'd die

I know only agony
Of you to miss
Bleed,my body
You'll never get that kiss

Trust,friendship
Peace,are they a lie?
Such things don't exist
Only void is nigh

Wishing for happiness
Only brings more sadness
Pretending to be okay
Breeds only madness

This cold,stone heart
As black as night
Was once laid open
By merciless might

My bloog drips through
My hands gloved
Bleed,my body
You'll never be loved

† ~ Séph ~ †

Try this for size

He will strengthen himself through sacrifice...
He will ruin those who deny justice...
He will immortalize his love...

Go figure.

Should I hate my life? Should I hate myself? What value do I uphold? What treasure am I worth. Surely there is something that can go right? But it never comes...oh no...I'm always robbed of the people I treasure. Be it by distance in land or mind. Or fear. Those people I love most,those I really call friend...Would somehow always be taken away from me. Am I not allowed to keep friends? Now I keep myself shielded,lest I find friends I love again. Yet I found a number,and again,they were taken away,save for one or two.

Of course,there's the one I miss. The one I was told to let go of,but that's not possible. For letting go would flay me alive. I'm supposed to still live life,sure. Yet people ask me what's wrong. NOTHING,I'M JUST A BIG SCREW UP...HELL,NOTHING'S WRONG,I'M BLOODY PERFECT. IN FACT,EVERYTHING'S SO FINE THAT I'D FREAKIN DESTROY MY OWN MIND IF ANYTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS AGAIN. THANK'S FOR YOUR CONCERN. TOO BAD THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Wow,six swords already. Last year there was only me and Arielle. Then came Paul and Cress at the same time. Then Ariel and later,Tessa. Life is...weird now. But better than my old life anyway. I am not in Christ Gang. Because I wasn't included originally and I don't want to be inside because I want to. I want to inside only if they want me to. For now,I don't need a physical gang. I'm happy where I am,and I know my swords are right here with me.

I hope.......

...

Oh wow,pastor mentioned a glow in certain people.
Like,wow. See,I'm not crazy.

Anyway,yesterday kinda sucked. Saturday too.

Am I invisible or something? Some people talk to everyone! To people they don't really know even. But when they see me? They look straight through. On purpose? No...but why can't they see me as any other odinary friend?

I'm not invisible
I'm not a pushover
I can get angry
But you never ever want me too.

AND I FREAKIN HATE YOU PEOPLE LOOKING PAST ME...

My swords are better of course...but still...I can't say I ain't referring to them...

Ignited flame in my heart
Love's water in my eyes
Mad earth spinning around me
Serene wind carrying my cries

My soul is ablaze
Just because you're here
And the fire never dies
Even when you aren't near

Though I still cry
Whenever I miss you
Heaven's water joins mine
Is God crying too?

The path I tread upon
Love's difficult ground
On it,I run along
Not making a sound

Even the wind speaks of you
It whispers your name
But really...
Am I to blame?

There's no point denying
What good will it do?
Even the elements show me
That I'm in love with you...

† ~ Séph ~ †