How long? How long till I become consumed? How much more of *nothing* can I take till I fall to the "dark side"?

Many claim to be my friend...some or most...

LIARS...

I'm merely someone who is needed,was,needed. No longer,so now I fade into the darkness once again. A spent power. A spent person. Trust. Heh. Trust was always my problem...always trusted my friends...too much,I think. My ability to become "invisible" only reflects what I am to the people around me. Invisble...Then every now and then someone would be,"where's Joasseph?" and I'd "appear" again. Nothing I did. I wasn't really invisible...merely overlooked. Fools. They underestimate me. Just because I do not show my anger and frustration,doesn't mean I'm not capable. I have such hatred...it's hard to hide,and yet I do.  Any such display of anger would be a step toward the dark side. And what can be worse than hurting all those I love? Even if they don't love me back? Those I love...no matter how much or long:

Amelia
Arielle
Ariel
Asher
Benjamin
Beverly
Celeste
Cheryl
Christel
Dean
Eugine
Gerard
Germaine
Gervais
Jack'al
Jerald
Jer Liang
lil' Johnathan
Joshua(logi)
Marlon
Melanie
Nikki
Rachael
Sam
Victoria
Yixin

There are probably more I failed to mention. For them,I have to prevent myself from becoming that which I despise. But still...who can I trust anymore?

In this upturned world
Who can you trust?
Who can you rely on?
Who won't leave you to dust?

Friends unappreciate
And strike you with words
They care no longer
How much you really hurt

Love becomes scarce
Anger is shown more
And suddenly they find you
Just...a bore

All you *friends* who read this
Hear my call...
I want you to tell me
Can I trust you at all?

† ~ Séph ~ †

I mean it you guys...If I still mean anything to any of you....Those of you who read this anyway,let me know...I need to know...

Hello everyone. I've not been online for soooooooooooooooooo long. Well anyway. Where should I start? Okay,well. My birthday this year...was nothing really special. Not many remembered. :(      But it's okay. I guess. At least some did :D Too bad my best friend couldn't be with me.

Anyway. Here are two of my newest. One of them I'm gonna give to someone.

Steven Curtis Chapman is my inspiration for these two poems. :D

Day of Reckoning

There will be a day
When no one needs to beg for food
There will be a day
When life is forever good

This day is coming
When we can rejoice and shout
Jesus is coming
Without a doubt

No more wars
No more diseased
Where kids can play in the rain
With joy released

Anxiously I wait
Awaiting this day
When all my tears and pain
Will be washed away

Forever...

† ~ Séph ~ †

Last Day(Remake)

Before my eyes
An accident caused much pain
A life,perished
Before I blinked again

Then this thought I couldn't ignore
As I walked away
What would I do
If this should be my last day

So much unsaid
Too much undone
But all worth it
If my last moments were with one

If this should be
The last day that I own
To one person
Must this be known
:
I always loved you
That never changed
I was not a fool to do so
I was not deranged

Before I leave this world
If I spent my last second with you
It would be worth it
Of all the things I do...

† ~ Séph ~ †

Okay,I wrote this. I guess it's interesting coz it goes deep. Yes it has an underlining meaning,an insight to my life. How many of you understand? (And yes,poem name from the song written by Ayumi Hamasaki,coz I met this friend around the time I first heard the song)

BLUE BIRD

I just stepped out one day
And I found you
Special,unique
And bright too

We started talking
And it was great for a while
I was beginning to think
We could go the mile

Then I scared you
And you flew away
I did not mean to do it
I swear,I say

Now I stare into the sky
With a fully opened door
Hoping,praying
That you'll come here once more

I miss being your friend
Though short the time may be
But still...
It was special and precious
To me...

† ~ Séph ~ †

I don't know what I feel. There's like two sides to me....On one hand,I'm really okay,I let everything slide,knowing it's gonna be alright in the end. My other side is the "But". Like right now for instance? I feel outcasted again,maybe because I'm envious? From the petty things,for example,why doesn't anyone come to my blog...And the not so petty things,like,there must be some reason why I'm so not involved in what my friends do. WHY? It sucks. Some people,hold me for one moment,drop me the next. Why then do I let anyone hold me? Because I need it...Old friends,new ones. They're all the same...save for a few who have known me longer. But the rest,the rest....Just...So. Maybe they feel that I don't wanna be involved? But know what? I'm not missed. Or maybe just no one tells me so. Maybe "Beaver" and Nikki are the only ones...I've always had a problem with trust. But can you blame me? I've supposedly got many "friends",but...LEFT OUT? YOU WANNA TALK LEFT OUT? WELCOME TO MY WORLD. Omg...I feel so schizo. I go out,smiling at the people around me. Comforting the world. When all along I'm the one who needs it. I wonder if anyone sees that. Arielle sensed my loneliness before... But if there was anything I learnt from Sam...it's that I AM A PRINCE. It's in my very nickname. I should know better to remember that. It's gonna be okay. I just need to believe that. Though.......it's not as easy as it sounds...

Oh my soul cries out,from the inside out...

I realize that I'm quite okay really. Ya know. Dear "Beaver" can really cheer me up just by talking to me. THANK YOU SO MUCH! It's great to have her as a friend. I know everything will be okay,as long as I have Jesus,and her. Best friends make a difference. Coz she sure did. She's a friend made in heaven :)

I called,you answered. And you came to my rescue and I,wanna be where you are.

THANK YOU JESUS!

I just feel so left out. The prophecy of my destiny is still in effect. Why? Lord,I hate this. I hate being alone. I miss having someone to cry on. I miss being needed. I miss being missed. I hate being left out. Am I so insignificant? Some of them just don't get it. Friends. FRIENDS. A friend is someone who will think of you. Isn't it? Not just a companion,not just a shallow relationship. But actually love. Friendship needs love,and lots of it. Then why do I feel I'm lacking that? Maybe I'll just disappear,maybe someone will appreciate me then?

So what could I say? What could I do? But offer this heart o God,completely to you...

I can't do this alone. I can't. I have good friends. But does anyone really understand? I'm a lone ranger,I keep saying that. Waiting for someone to prove me wrong. I wanna be a part of something,instead of being someone who follows people around. I want to be worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy of respect. People still treat me like *beep*. And I take it. I take it. Give none back. I take all the crap. When I'm abandoned in one corner. I get up and walk away. Why am I so? Why do I always find myself alone? I keep telling myself it's gonna be okay. But do I really believe it? I know I have people like Victoria,Joshua,Rachael,Beverly...I share my problems with these people. But seriously...Am I just a bother? Last night. I thought of the 4 unbreakable sisters(Victoria,Ariel,Arielle,Melanie). I cried,because of *blah blah blah*. I prayed for them,that they'll never be split apart. I dunno why,but I just did. I guess I miss them. I do. I keep telling myself that I'm gonna tell them that I love them someday. But I really wanna tell them now. I need to tell them now. I need them to know. I'm me. But somehow I feel like a part of them though I don't always hang out with them. I don't know anything anymore...except

I don't want to stand alone ever again...

Hey people,I deleted my previous post. Anyway,the problem I had,is not fixed,per se. But it's better. Anyway,maybe this will help y'all understand.

From me to the people:

I’m a rogue

An obvious outcast

But still, even so

I like friendships to last

The wrong things I said

I said too much

And now

What happened is as such

One, two, three, four

Just like that

It’s so confusing

Where I’m at

Like a strange dream

A horrible nightmare

What I thought I saw

Was it even there?

I regret it

I regret it so

So stupid…so stupid

Why didn’t I know?!

I just wanted to be her friend

But I tried to be more

I’m a fool

Now she’s closed the door

Calmly, she said

“Go away”

Now, a choice

To go? Or to stay?

The right decision
Is always the harder one

So for once

I’ll put aside my want

I’ll just trust God

That he may bring me back

To this same door

When it has a crack

But till then

The day I breathe relief

I’ll just walk away

And believe...

From Jesus,to me:

Why do you look so troubled?
Am I not for you?
Why do you weep?
When there is nothing you need do?

Do you believe in me?
Do I have your trust?
Then keep your head up
Have faith you must

I will restore everything

To more than it used to be

All you have to do

Is believe in me

There is nothing I cannot do

And for you I will

After you know this
Are you sad still?

† ~ Séph ~ †

Inspired by - Jesus

From me, to Jesus

Okay,well. So lazy to blog sometimes. But anyway I made a new friend on Saturday,her name's Samantha,Sam for short('duh). Anyway,she's really cool,she's so smart...I have to be careful. Ha ha,kidding. ANYWAY,she's really special(not implying anything),yeah. I guess,we can click? Yeah. Excited about her serving in Dare Video. Gonna be fun teaching her and Cephas the ropes. Ha ha. Arrgh,lazy to type more. So I'll just say that she's a really good friend and I'm blessed to have met her. :)

Looking back the road of life
Thinking of how it changed so much
God is so great
To give me friends as such

I don't always tell them
How much they mean to me
Though I never forget them
It's sometimes hard to see

Some may drift
But from my thoughts? No
Still
Sometimes I fear to tell them so

If I hurt anyone
I never intended to
But things do happen
Whatever I do

A few people people I love dearly
And I don't want them to close the door
Because
I wish to be their friend
Evermore

 † ~ Séph ~ †